5:30 pm July 15th, 2020 (original poem)

5:30 pm July 15th, 2020

Be with someone that respects your life

Your love

Your skin

Be with someone that looks at you on the outside

Like they do from within

Be with someone that fights for your life

Demanding justice for your skin

Giving money to begin the

reparations

Baby girl, be with someone that values you.

I know he means well

I know you share a lot

But once his ignorance settles in,

You won’t know when it’s gonna stop

It is not your job to teach him

It is not your job to raise him

He is not your son.

Be with somebody that celebrates all of you.

Fights for all of you

Loves all of you

You deserve that

You Don't Need a Partner

You don’t need a partner to be happy. You don’t need anyone really. We want people to make us happy. We want people to love. We want people in our lives, but we don’t need people. At least, most of us don’t need people.

We have this weird thing in society where everyone HAS to get married, to have children, to have a partner, but the truth is you don’t have to have any of that if you don’t want it.

You don’t need to get married to be happy or have children. You don’t need to have children to have a fulfilled life. You don’t need to have a partner to have a full life.

You, by yourself, are enough.

I think because society has put that pressure on us to have to have somebody in our life, we are afraid to just be with ourselves alone. I don’t think people today spend enough alone time with themselves. Being alone does not mean just locking yourself in your home. Being alone can be as simple as grocery shopping by yourself, getting your nails done alone, hair done alone, watching a movie alone, or eating out alone. If being alone like that is weird for you, maybe that means something more.

The truth is, we don’t need humans to be happy. It’s not fair to put all that dependence of happiness onto one person. How you become happy is up to you. Believe me when I say this is all easier said than done.

What I have learned that is most important (to me) is to make sure you have your own back and to be your own best friend. At the end of the day, nobody is obligated to stay in your life, not even your family. So when everybody leaves and does their own thing, you will always be left with yourself.

To some people, being left by themselves is scary, but have you ever thought about why that is scary to you? Why are you terrified to be kind to yourself? Why are you scared to have a meal by yourself and treat yourself? Why are you scared of being alone?

I’m not saying you should spend all the time in the world alone, of course not. What I am saying is there should be a balance between your relationships with people and the relationship with yourself.

For some people, they can’t stand being alone with themselves because they are left with their feelings and problems, but I encourage you to embrace those feelings and openly think about your problems. Your problems and feelings may not be as bad as you think.

A partner may bring some content feelings, but make sure you bring yourself content feelings as well.

You are enough.

Goodbye and Thank You to 2019

2019 brought on so many different opportunities and accomplishments for my life and my music career.

My mental health has never been so good. I have my anxiety mostly under control.

I released 3 singles

1. Magic Man (April)

2. ENOUGH (August)

3. Nobody (October)

   Major thanks to Bryce Kai for producing them all my music.

I even created a 3 track demo album in January called “The Lani Demos”.

I released 2 music videos thanks to Connor Botts (Magic Man) and Morgan Vander Hart (ENOUGH)

along with one promotional video thanks to Trevor Spidle.

I was able to perform in my other home Maui and was able to perform for my family. I performed on the radio in Maui.
My music played on Iowa Public Radio for the first time for my single ‘Nobody’.

I was on the news for my feminism during the women’s march. I was apart of a show that helped raise over $800 for Planned Parenthood.

I began to sell my own merchandise with my own logo (thanks to Bo James for the logo).

I went to Chicago with my hula group and was taught hula by Mark Keali’i Ho’omalu who created a lot of my childhood with his music.
I began to learn hula and found it to be a new passion of mine.

Mana’o Radio

I thank God for the strength and opportunities I’ve been given. I thank my friends and family for the support and love I’ve been given.
I’m very thankful. I’m blessed. I cannot wait to see what 2020 will bring me. Thank you all. Mahalo nui loa ❤️

To My Body, I AM SORRY

TRIGGER WARNING: This post mentions body image, disordered eating and self-harm. Please read on with caution.

I’ve had image problems as long as I can remember. I was only 5 years old when I started sucking in my stomach when my mother was taking measurements for clothes. I remember her saying, “Stop sucking in your stomach.” I replied, “I’m not.”

I was only 11 years old when I decided to no longer eat lunch at school. I would throw my sack lunch away. No one questioned it. By that time, I wasn’t eating breakfast too. Nobody questioned that either.

I’ve always been a bigger person. I was a fat baby, fat toddler, fat child, pre-teen, teenager, and now adult.

The only diets I had ever been on were ones that restricted and starved my body. I believe I starved myself on and off for at least 5 years or so. I became obsessed with hunger pangs. They would always happen by 3rd period when I was in my math class. They say hunger pangs lasted for 7 minutes, and I used to embrace every minute regardless of the pain.

I used to believe I deserved pain. I would bruise myself by punching my arms because I knew I bruised easily. That would be my excuse too, that I bruise “easily”. I used to bruise all the time as a child when I’d play outside, so of course people would believe now, right? They did.

It wasn’t until I was a senior in high-school that I realized I didn’t deserve any pain. I did not deserve shit from anybody. I realized my worth and value, personally, when I went through my first breakup. My first relationship was abusive to me mentally and emotionally. I was tired of the pain. I don’t know why it was through this person I realized my worth, but it was. I went through hell for them and with them just to be hurt in return.

People didn’t think I had a disorder because I am a fat person, but that is one thing you need to fix in your mind. Don’t be ignorant. Eating disorders are a mental illness and can happen to anyone, any gender at any size. Not every fat person binges, some did what I did and starved themselves instead. Not every skinny person starves either, some binge. You never know, so do not just assume.

I used to write everything I ate down. I used to prefer only 500 calories, my own health teacher even told me I was starving myself. She only said that comment, however, she did not have a conversation with me about any of it.

I didn’t starve myself to become smaller, however. It was never completely about numbers, it was more about a look. It’s the look everyone tries to go for, but should never achieve because it will not bring you happiness. My schooling life were some of the darkest times of my life, and that was all because of my mental state.

Again, I thought I deserved all the pain, so I brought pain onto myself. It wasn’t until someone else brought pain to me, that I realized I did not deserve it. It was not until someone hurt me, the way I hurt myself, that I realized I did not want to stand with it. It’s not the same for everyone, this is just my personal experience of finding my own worth. Dropping toxic relationships saved my life. Dropping toxic people, made me realize I never wanted to feel that kind of pain again. It was a choice I made for myself. I finally put myself first. I had never put myself first before, and I haven’t stopped since then.

This isn’t an easy story for me to tell. I’ve been clean from it all for 2 years now, so yes I am vague with my story for now. One day I will find all the strength to sing my song and fully share my story, but for now I will only spread body positivity.

I learned bout body positivity through my senior year of high school. I saw Tess Holiday on the cover of People Magazine and was memorized. I could not believe a size 22 woman was on the cover of a magazine and she looked absolutely gorgeous! I went on and read her story, then I found a Facebook story on Megan Jayne Crabbe’s anorexia recovery. I felt even more inspired because she is about my size and I found her so beautiful. I thought, “We’re about the same size. How come I find so much beauty in her, but not within myself?” I went on to read Megan’s first book Body Positive Power: How to Stop dieting, make peace with your body and live. That book changed my life and probably saved my life from another relapse. I have not relapsed since the end of 2017.

I started to unfollow people that made me feel bad, and started following people that made me feel good and inspired me. I followed people that were diverse, and embraced fully who they are. I started following beautiful humans like Jazzmyne, Chidera Eggerue, Anna O’Brien, Michelle Elman, Jameela Jamil, La’shaunae, and Florence Given. These humans have all helped me on my self-love, body positive journey. Each one of them is unapologetically themselves, they are each beautiful, and I adore them all, and many more humans that I follow.

Right after I graduated high school in 2018, the show (based off of a book) Dietland started. I was obsessed with the story line in which the main character, Plum, who’s been into dieting and wanting to lose weight, suddenly realizes she deserves love, respect, to dress however she feels and to not restrict herself. Plum becomes this badass woman that starts to find her individuality from what society has forced her to feel and think. Sadly the show was canceled after one season, but it was an amazing show with a brilliant topic we all need to talk about which is: fatphobia.

A lot of people are terrified to gain weight, or to eat what their body wants, or to even just live their own life. I’m here to tell you something I never would have said 5 years ago:

Being fat is ok. Gaining weight, or losing weight naturally, is ok. Your body is meant to change. Your body should enjoy food because that is how you survive. Being fat does not always mean being unhealthy. Someones size or health does NOT determine the respect and love they deserve. You can be overweight and be healthy. Some people don’t have the choice if they are overweight or thinner, genetics come in, illnesses and diseases come in, and sometimes people are just supposed to be big. There is supposed to be diversity in this world. Not everyone is supposed to be skinny and the same size, just like not everyone should be white or be a man running the world. You can be any shape, size, color, gender, and rule this fucking world.

So to my body, I am so sorry for the hell I put you through. I am so sorry for being against you when all you tried to do was save me and be there for me. All you ever did was let me be alive. I am so sorry for hurting you all those years, but now I accept you. I accept all your flaws because to me, you are enough. You are my beauty. I no longer care for a smaller size, or the look. You are the look that was meant for me this entire time. I accept you. My body, I am so sorry. To my body, I love you.

What matters the most is if YOU are happy with yourself. It does not matter what people think, because people are always gonna have opinions no matter what. What I say to people that try to tell me what size my body should be is this: Get a damn hobby.

I have beauty marks

In places of my body

And there are new ones

that have just appeared

At first it was shameful

and i felt sick to the touch

but now I’ve realized

that enough is enough

To my body,

I am so sorry

for the hatred, for the judgement

and abuse towards you

To my body,

I am so sorry

I wouldn’t let anybody hurt you.

So why’d I do that to you?

I now have PCOS

thanks to a societal view

to my daughter,

to my son,

I’m sorry that I can’t carry you.

The damage that I’ve done

was not a good life to live.

I have bruised you,

You have starved

And still we live.

All you’ve ever done was love me …

All you’ve ever done

is kept me alive

I tried and tried to tear you apart

But you’ve proved me wrong

cause you’ve been there for me since the start

To my body, I am so sorry …

You were never the evil

Evil is society’s lies

And I’m so sorry

I restricted you from life

And now I’m here to tell you

I accept you in mine …

❤️

Insecure (original poem)

This face isn’t me

It can’t be mine

Can I please go back in time

To sharper jaws

And whiter smiles

To thicker hair

That’ll grow in a while 

This body ain’t me

It can’t be mine

I want to jump forward into time

With less sugar 

With more hope

But to me, I can’t think so

It’ll never happen

It can’t be

I am right now

Right now is me

Wired teeth

And bigger tames 

There is nothing that I can blame

It’s just life

And I must accept it

It’s ok to change and grow

It’s just life 

Nothing is in danger

It’s not like I’ve become mold 

Changing cells

And cutting pills

Trying to make me less ill 

Open ears but silent mouths 

When you said you’d share 

But then left me out. 

This can’t be.

This is me.

I Am (original poem)

I’m a nasty woman

I’m a savage woman

I’m a queer, mixed, fat woman

I’m a kitty woman

Yes, pussy power

If I offended you with this

Then lemme say it louder

Musical Inspirations

When it comes to the question of, “Who inspires you the most? Who is the number one person that influences your music?” I can never choose just one. Never. That is how I am with a lot of different things. I can never have a number one favorite thing. I can never have a number one favorite color, drink, show. I have favorites but nothing will ever be a number one to me.

So note for this post, when I give you an in order presentation of my favorite musicians, know that these musicians positions change constantly. It all depends on my mood for weeks, what is going on in my life, what sound I am searching for in that moment of my life. Some of these people have stayed influential to me for years, some for weeks and others come and go.

1). Michael Jackson (AKA The King of Pop)

I don’t even know where I should begin with this man. I have loved everything about him since I was 9 years old. I remember trying to dance like him in the middle of the night, buying a fedora and trying to dress like him at the age of 10. It isn’t just his music that has changed me, it is who he was as a person that changed me the most.

No. I didn’t know Michael Jackson personally.

Sadly… (Although I used to have a lot of dreams as a kid that he was my uncle and at the end of the dream, he’d give me his email. I was ECSTATIC but would wake up quite disappointed to the reality of it all.)

If you did not know, Michael Jackson did so so so so so so SO much for this world! He has donated millions of dollars to families in need, hospitals, sick children, just constantly cared and loved people. I admire that greatly and carry that on in my character by making sure I am constantly there for people. I have become open-minded with this characteristic of being caring and loving. I do not force care and love onto people, I allow it to happen naturally.

Michael Jackson taught me to be aware of my surroundings. He taught me that Love is the answer to everything. Love can defeat anything and love brings people together in unity. It is something that has been proven, it is something that I feel and constantly try to do for myself and others is to just constantly love.

I am now overflowing with love and have lots to give. With that gift, I can never be bitter towards hateful people.

The first time I ever performed was when I was in the 4th grade.

I was sick from school and emailed my teacher a constant dream (and goal) I had which was to sing, solo, in front of the entire school. In my elementary school, that I was in, it only had 4th and 5th grade.

I was a very shy girl in elementary school. I never even said a word to people that wanted to be my friend (I’m surprised that I somehow had friends…) My 4th grade teacher forwarded that email, that dream, of mine to the school dean who was this very tall, very masculine, bald guy who is one of the nicest, funniest people I knew.

It was the month of February and I was told I was going to be performing in front of my grade at the time, the 4th grade, during lunch in the lunch room. At my school, growing up, there was about 200+ students in ever grade!

At the time, I was such a Michael Jackson encyclopedia. In fact, I was an encyclopedia for Michael Jackson for years afterwords. I knew way too much about him even the irrelevant things like Elizabeth Taylor decorating his house (Neverland) for Christmas and buying him a bunch of Super Soakers and Michael Jackson gifting her an elephant at one point! (Irrelevant to you, but their friendship was very sincere and sweet to me. I admire them both greatly.)

I immediately knew what song I was going to do and why. I chose to sing Michael Jackson’s ‘Earth Song’ in front of my entire grade using my little amplifier and my green iCarly microphone that plugged in.

I brought my own equipment at 9 years old!

I chose that song because of the message of the song. Like I said earlier, Michael Jackson didn’t just influence me musically but also personality wise. If you have not seen the music video or even heard the song, stop reading this blog and look it up right now.

The message of ‘Earth Song’ is forever so important and so strong to me. The song talks about problems in this world, promises people make to each other, break to each other. The song talks about lost and love and the “what about’s” of the promises people make for the world. The struggles of the world being poverty, starvation and the selfishness we all possess inside ourselves and we have the choice everyday for what we will do with that selfishness.

Will you be selfish or selfless?

The ending of the song is so powerful to me because Michael sings about these problems such as, “what about children dying?” While the choir behind him sings just as powerfully, “What about us?”. It is this back and forth conversation of one man versus multiple people of the act of selfish vs selfless.

Of course, take care of yourself and your needs, but please do not forget to look around and try to help your neighbors.

I was, and still am, so passionate about the Earth that I even wrote a speech that I planned on reading in front of my whole grade. I do have the speech still somewhere in the piles of notebooks I have throughout the years, but I never did get to give my speech.

I had so much adrenaline after performing and everybody at lunch circled around me, I completely forgot about my speech.

I’m pretty sure people knew I was passionate about the world because I was that nine year old girl that would write, “The Earth is sick. She needs our help,” on the white board in my classroom. The first song I ever wrote was about how earth is special. I remember the first lines of the song I wrote when I was 9.

Earth is special because it has trees and plants

Earth is special because it has flowers

Earth is special

Earth is special

And then it went into some rap, but I can’t rap so that’s the end of that.

If that doesn’t explain enough of Michael Jackson’s influence on me then maybe I should just write a whole book about it. Either way, a big thanks to the King of Pop:

Michael Joseph Jackson.

2). Freddie Mercury (Queen)

Before the movie Bohemian Rhapsody came out in theaters, I was a HUGE Freddie Mercury fan back when I was about 13 years old. Not gonna lie, Queen as a band itself helped me through so many things such as my own anxiety. Seeing how confident Freddie was just being himself, it helped me create a space in my own head outside of my own anxiety. Queen is such a trip just to listen to especially their older albums such as A Night at the Opera which is a legendary album to me.

I grew up listening to a range of genres from classical to Elvis to Christina Aguilera.

Queen amazed me by being an old band with such a fresh sound to them. They did almost every genre in their songs and combined so many of them into individual songs!

Freddie Mercury inspires me for so, so, SO many reasons. He was confidently himself even with his own sexuality during a time where it wasn’t so accepted. Him dying of AIDS brought such a conversation to the table that had never been spoken about before. Freddie is truly the person that helped me realize my sexuality and my identity of being queer. Growing up I never knew if I wanted to be Freddie Mercury or marry him.

He was so unapologetically himself to this public eye regardless if he was a shy person in reality. I found a lot of myself in him such as being this shy, quiet person to people versus the attitude, loud person I can be when I perform. Freddie truly shaped the person I am today and he shaped me during such a fragile time in my life (middle school).

I remember imagining myself dressing up, singing Fat Bottomed Girls for my whole school and not giving a damn. Being flirty, being free, being 100% me in black, leather overalls.

When I doubt myself now, I think back on Freddie’s life and know that I can accomplish anything. If he could face his own fears, face the public regardless of their opinions of homosexuality and illness, then I knew I too could face the world being unapologetically myself.

I could never express to the extent how much Queen means to me.

Freddie Mercury was, and will forever be, one of a kind.

3. Janet Jackson

Idolizing Michael Jackson of course led me to studying the Jackson family as a whole.

Janet Jackson came into my life when I was about 15 years old. I admire her and love her for various reasons. I love how open she was, in her music, about sexuality. She’s very sexual in a lot of her music especially her older music, I admired that as a young teen curious about relationships and humans.

Growing up, sex wasn’t really normalized in my house but it also wasn’t something shameful in my house either. It was just a topic that was never discussed about between my parents or between my parents and I. I think a lot of people can agree that growing up sex just wasn’t normalized at all. It was seen as something awful and unnatural when it is anything but.

Janet helped me break that idea of it being unnatural. She was raised from a religious family and she is still religious to this day. She is a kind woman that also donates her money to those that need it and loves everyone in her life and she still talks about sex. Janet sung about sex because it is a natural thing.

Her soft, sultry voice adds to the message and the image she had.

One of my favorite albums of hers is The Velvet Rope. That album is Janet’s personal album in my opinion. She got over a divorce, came back with red, curly hair, tattoos, septum piercing, a nip piercing and came back telling her story. Janet showed vulnerability in that album, still sang about sex, sang about abuse. It is such a woman album to me. When I say woman album, I mean a lot of women can relate to the issues she talked about in that album. It showed a different side of Janet that I will forever respect. I even relate to that album and it had helped me through my first abusive relationship when I was 18.

In that album she also talks about depression and the need we all have for being special. This message also helped the high school Teri with my own seasonal depression.

I saw Janet when I was 15 years old in Omaha on her Unbreakable Tour. That was SUCH a dream! She sang live, she still dances amazing for her age, she is forever BRILLIANT! She continues to inspire me for just how in-tune she is with herself.

You have to admit, without Janet, there wouldn’t be a lot of female artists we have today. Beyoncé probably would’ve still been the big star she is but without Janet, I don’t think she would have been the same.

Janet Jackson is such a Queen and she is such a dream.

4. Janis Joplin

I grew up listening to a variety of music from both sides of my family. My father is English and got me into all forms of rock music from classical to metal rock. My mother is a Polynesian, Puerto Rican woman that brought in the island music along with some real nice R&B growing up.

I got into Janis Joplin when I was about 14 years old. I used to sing karaoke at a neighbors house every Friday night and they told me I should sing some Janis Joplin. I looked into her music from that night and have been in love with her music since.

She brings on such a carefree, soulful sound that I have never heard in my life. She is the true definition of singing from your heart. You hear her pain and you feel her pain. One of my favorites of her is her live version of Ball n Chain. I feel that song right through my heart from her voice pleading on why her man left her to the guitar solos which are just as heartfelt.

Janis was a true hippie as she’s from the 60’s and sadly left in the 60’s as well (1970 actually). She sang songs and showed for that true meaning of peace and love, had the whole look about it too. She didn’t really wear makeup, kept her hair wild; everything about her to me is perfect.

Janis influenced me, like Freddie, to be carefree. Through Janis’s music, you can sometimes hear vocal mistakes like her voice cracking and notes aren’t perfect yet they sound and feel so perfect. She showed me that it’s okay not to have the “perfect” smooth voice and it’s okay to let your emotions show through it all. That’s the most important part about music to me is the emotion. I am an emotional person myself. I love and care for people so, so deeply. When I sing live, I do not hold back on anything I have got to say and it is because of people like Freddie Mercury and Janis Joplin that I have learned to do so.

If you have yet to listen to some Janis Joplin, please stop reading and do this now. You will not regret it.

xoxo Tully (original poem)

What’s happened to my springtime?

She’s become so cold

I thought I knew love

But he left bruises on my soul.

I’m left with heated memories

Can I steal another kiss?

Your softness and spirit

Still lingers on my lips.

I’ve been sending you messages

Every once in awhile

I hope all is well

I really miss your smile

Truth be told

I did love you

But I could never admit

So now our succulent plant

Has died because of it.

I won’t forget

the night we danced

You kissed my face

And I made you laugh

You were filled with sadness

Abandoned by “love”

So I took his place

and showed you understanding from

Heaven above

When you told me

you were leaving

I knew you weren’t

going to be far away

But now you don’t reply back

so I wish you had just stayed.

Plans changed

I hope they were for the better

But I miss your summer kiss

and the sound of your voice

You were perfect to me

regardless of mentality

Pagh did us wrong

and nearly drove us to fatality

we picked each other up

and listened to our cries

i kicked the bad guy

straight out of our lives

but even then

we had to go apart…

I could go on forever

on how I want to restart

To give us more chances

before things fell apart

But I must let you go

and pray that you’ve lived

I’ll always imagine

what the future forbids

I hope all is well

You’re always in my heart

~ xoxo Tully

P.S our love will never part

5 Years (original poem)

A poem I wrote in 2017

You attempted

and I survived

If you would have quiet

I wouldn’t be alive

Doubts and frustrations

Crawled beneath your pillow case

Seat belt for safety

But it wasn’t wrapped around your waist.

They called you Rapunzel

but you weren’t beauty

or grace.

You felt you didn’t deserve the world

Like you didn’t know your place.

But you know who you are

Everybody said you’d be a star

But you burned yourself out too quickly…

Desperate for light

Desperate to fight

You tore yourself down

so by the end of the night

Your spider crawled back into your ear.

And so it appears

as starvation nears

your eyes start to tear

You say spiders are your fear

Not because of how they look

But because of the things they tell you.

Day and night

When the spiders would light

the fuse that would accuse you

of the things you know you are not.

An idea so vile

You gambled yourself

for the style of what?

For who?

Hurting yourself for the idea of you?

I often imagine what the inside of you must be screaming,

“What have I done to deserve such damage!?

I have done nothing but give you time!”

You treated your body

Like your body wasn’t mine.

But that wasn’t you

And that cannot be me.

Because I have seen the light

when you missed it

I don’t dwell on life

I kiss it

I don’t hang on my rope

because it’s gone

You took that chance

and you’ve made me strong

I felt recovery was just as impossible as God

but the impossible is possible

Because you, Teri Underhill, attempted

But I, Teri Underhill, survived.

Women (original poem)

I enjoy looking like a whore
I enjoy looking like a bitch
I enjoy looking like a slut
I enjoy looking like a cunt

But enough is enough

I do not dress for your needs
I do not dress for your success
I do not dress to be held behind
I do not dress for your state of mind

I’m not a woman to pick up
Your pieces 
I’m not a woman to take hold
Of your demons
I’m not a woman just to
Collect semen
I’m not a woman just to
Birth treason

You act like we are one
But brother, the war is undone 
By threats you think will help us
By defending what the white man
Tells us

My Hispanic sisters
Are in trouble
See my black sisters
And the trouble is double 
Do not tell me I’m overreacting
When it’s my ovaries retracting

We birthed you sons and daughters
We gave you this air and water 
The money you have that I worked
So hard for
The title you have
That I work harder for 
Do not tell me that we have it all
Until all women can walk freely
And not be afraid to fall

I will not be silenced until my woman is safe
I will not be silenced until my woman walks freely
I will not be silenced until my sisters are united
Until my black sisters have their credit
Until my native sisters have their home
Until my trans sisters have acceptance
Until my birthing hips are free
Pain free
Walking free
Visibly free
Love free

I am my own woman
We all come from women

Enough is enough